Interview with Nuša K. Kokol – We set an example for our children when we take time for ourselves

February 2021

On opportunities for new beginnings

The beginning of a year is always a good opportunity for introspection and changes. Nuša, you are a transformation mentor, a personal coach. Do women allow themselves to start anew? 

“On the path to its brilliance, a caterpillar must experience a terrible death. It disintegrates, dies, changes, transforms, and basically annihilates itself into a new form of life. An inexperienced observer would describe it as unclear, blurred and ambiguous transformational chaos. However, do not be fooled – this is a carefully designed process of the highest force. Eventually, we witness the culmination of this supreme intelligence – the birth of the divine masterpiece we call the butterfly.”

With this ultimate metaphor, the nature gives a glimpse into the laws of the Universe, which reign over everything that exists. The journey from a caterpillar to a butterfly clearly shows that change is only possible after a shattering transformation and undeniable death. I am not talking about physical death, but the death of the inner layer of our psyche that we call the false self. A construct that we blindly believe is us. No! This is an unreal construct, which has become the biggest obstacle in our life. This system is not our own, it is adopted, inherited, because we were raised by people who were not aware of their true selves.

The butterfly’s transformation also teaches us that our internal disintegration is crucial for transformation. That is exactly what most of us resist, and the main reason why change and new beginnings are so hard.

If only we understood that the only way to a new beginning and complete freedom is through death, transformation would not be so complicated.

How to even begin a transformation journey? 

I often explain to my clients that the beginning and course of the transformation depend on a simple decision: you either develop, train your consciousness, shatter and annihilate yourself and kill your ego (false self) willingly, or through pain that is inevitable. The Universe is kind, and waits for us to develop. Life gives us countless opportunities for that.

However, some would rather die than face themselves. A lot of parents would rather accept that there is something wrong with their child’s behaviour than introspect and face the old pain.

“The Universe is kind, and waits for us to develop. Life gives us countless opportunities for that.”

Conscious parenting, conscious mum

You dedicated yourself to parenting professionally, and you are the first certified conscious parenting mentor in Slovenia. When did the decision to put parenting in the centre of your research emerge?

Regardless of all the books on childcare and education that I read during my first pregnancy, and despite carefully jotting down all the advice I got at the parenting class and in private sessions with a psychologist, I came to one important conclusion as a new mum: “I am neither prepared nor equipped for raising the child that I birthed. The only child I know how to raise is the one conceived in my head. And the only mother I can be is the one from my fantasies, which I have been creating my whole life.”

I experienced my breakthrough in motherhood at the moment that I realized there was a deep gap between my fantasy and the reality. That was the moment when I woke up. It was urgent. My son was four and I was still trying to transform him into my fictional child. Fortunately, he resisted vigorously. That is when I knew that something had to change. Either I could change my expectations and my fantasy, or I would truly kill his essence. In used my care and good intentions to transfer all my unfulfilled needs onto my first-born. All unfulfilled wishes. And I was crushing his essence with this.

Two years ago, in Bali, I realised that I had been living unconsciously, on autopilot. This made the next step inevitable. I stepped on the long and profound journey of digging up my past and finding the authentic part of myself.

We frequently equate exemplary parenting with the amount of attention we devote to the child. What is the key to healthy parenting? 

Regardless of all the love a mother has for her child, one of the two will always feel invisible and unheard. But what is missing? The missing ingredient for healthy relationships is not a traditional checklist: love, lasting marriage, financial stability, time spent together, compatible interests, etc.

Parental consciousness is an essential component. Absence of this consciousness and not knowing our true nature and shadows (ego) is the biggest obstacle to a truly loving relationship with our child.

Do we also set an example for our children when we take some time for ourselves?

That is the best example to set. Mum automatically passes on her relationship with herself, and the children will develop the same relationship with themselves.

When mum takes the time for herself, she indirectly communicates to the child that she is worthy, that she knows how to stop, listen to herself, and give herself what she really needs, and in general knows how to fulfil her needs. When mother’s needs are met, only then can she unconditionally continue to give to her children.

You are a mother of two and a mentor to many other mums. How does a woman’s attitude towards herself change once she becomes a mother? 

Becoming a mother is an utterly deep transformation that comes with a radical change in existence. A transmutation that resembles a caterpillar that dies to become a butterfly. With birthing, we don’t just deliver our children, but also ourselves. The process of motherhood opens us widely, and allows us to examine ourselves to the depths we never reached before.

I strongly believe that children are our mirrors, reflecting the forgotten parts of ourselves. They do not only take our emotional baggage and pain that we unconsciously pass on them, but also encourage us to develop and grow.

“The more a woman takes care of herself, nurturing her inner child and as a result, her gorgeous body, the more she is able to take care of everyone else around her.”

Genuine relationship with ourselves

We live in a time when we are oppressed by perfection and the desire to shine in all our roles. How do you establish a genuine relationship with yourself? 

We are a generation literally obsessed with perfection. As women, we push ourselves to the edge, to know and do everything. We want to look perfect, live the perfect life, have perfect children, perfect body … However, perfection is just a fantasy, a delusion, something so abstract and impossible that it only causes us terrible suffering.

Only when I trained my consciousness to the point where I truly understood, or materialised how my own, extremely toxic ideal of perfection that I had clung to in my mind to protect myself from an unhealed wound was pushing me deeper into slavery day after day – only then I could trade it for (at least partial) freedom.

Today, I am dissolving my old ideals of illusionary perfection one by one, and highly consciously replacing them by new ideals of authenticity.

Could you say that caring for your body is linked to caring for your soul? 

When we truly care for our subtle body (soul), caring for our physical body is an inevitable consequence. This is a complementary process that comes naturally.

A while ago I made a promise to myself to live my naked truth and to only keep in my life activities and people that are aligned and tuned with my true nature, with who I am. This is my way of reaffirming my value and respecting my essence. It consequently comes naturally to me to select food of the highest quality for my body and skin.

When caring for ourselves, the base from which we act is extremely important. Do we brush and use exquisite face cream in the evening out of fear that our skin is unattractive and unacceptable if we do not, or out of pure love for ourselves and every inch of our imperfect body?

What would you advise to all the women who simply forget to take some time for themselves, overwhelmed by chores and responsibilities?

The saying “your oxygen mask first” is what guarantees women to blossom. The more a woman takes care of herself, nurturing her inner child and as a result, her gorgeous body, the more she is able to take care of everyone else around her. Instead of the outdated idea of sacrificing ourselves and denying ourselves care, be it for children or work, it is about time we commit to a new routine of blossoming for our children or business. Only authentic women who know their inner terrain and can effectively navigate their mind can raise empowered children and nurture connected relationships, both professionally and intimately.

I have learned through years that meditation is essential for mitigating all the stress, juggling all the roles in my life, and regulating my emotions. This simple but powerful practice helps me take a break and make some space for activating consciousness in the most intense situations, so I can take on the role of an observer, watching myself experience emotions from the past.

You can follow Nuša on her website Zavestna si and her Instagram profil.